Online Dating and Game Players
Special interest Article
Anthony J. Iantosca, BCFE
IAFEI
Published by Anthony Iantosca, BCFE
For the International Academy of Forensic Examiners and Investigators.
Game Players and On Line Dating
"LOOK AT PEOPLE FOR WHAT THEY REALLY ARE
NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO BELIEVE THEY ARE
NOT WHAT YOU WISH THEM TO BE"
In today’s fast paced world most people are meeting on line. There are
numerous dating sites that men and women can sign up for, post a profile and
start meeting people. Some dating sites are good and some are bad. Many of
my clients who have experienced heartbreak were on dating sites called
Plenty of Fish, Date Hookup, Beautiful people, just to name a few. Add
Catfishing to the mix and on line dating can be like walking on an emotional
mine field.
Catfishing is a deceptive activity where a person creates a fictional
persona or fake identity on a social networking service, usually targeting a
specific victim. The practice may be used for financial gain, to compromise
a victim in some way, as a way to intentionally upset a victim, or for wish
fulfillment. To be honest even many of the high quality dating sites also
have their fare share of problem children. I call them children because that
is how they act. Many of them are children in adult bodies. When I analyze
their texts or e-mails for content or my clients explain their behavior
patterns when they meet there are red flags that stand out.
My first red flag is when I ask how many dating sites is he/she been on and
for how long? When I hear he/she is on many sites and has been on a year or
two and could never find the right person, that flags me to a possible
problem. That tells me that they are not serious about finding a
relationship, they are scammers looking to make money or quick hook ups/sex.
What are game players? Both men and women can be game players when dating on
line. I came across an article that talked about women on dating sites and
their behavior patterns, and what men should watch out for.
I asked myself what about the men and their behavior and what women should
watch out for? In my work I have seen as much flaky game playing behavior
from men as I have seen from women. Some men on dating sites are only out
there looking for hook ups and quick sex. They are not looking for a serious
relationship. They come in strong, confident and sound great when you meet
him, but the problem with some of these men, (not all) is they just want
sex. No more no less, do they tell you women that up front? No, they all
sound the same in the beginning "I am looking for a serious relationship"
and they tell you "I am an honest guy" or "I am not into playing games" and
the best one I have heard is "I love to take long walks on the beach"
really? The only time a guy wants to take a long walk on the beach is when
he is fishing for stripers.
Some women (not all) are on dating sites for one reason and one reason only
to make money. They will date you, come over your house for sex, be with you
and will need money very early on in your relationship with her. One guy I
know spent thousands of dollars on such a woman. Fixed her car, she always
needed money for gas, was short on her rent, always needed a few dollars
here or there, she wanted him to buy her cloths, etc. This is a very slick
way of getting around the prostitution laws.
She was young and very lovely. She was dating this guy and a half a dozen
other men at the same time.
If you are so honest and caring why talk about it. If I am a straight
forward guy I don't have to tell you that. Same goes for the women, as soon
as I hear "I am not into playing games" I know you are into game playing and
I have a drama queen on my hands. One of the biggest red flags' for me is
texting. After you have made an introduction and have met on a date or two,
the texting should be dialed back a little. If texting is your only form of
communication you may be walking into a red flag. Yes I understand that
everyone texts today but after a while you want phone time. If I can't talk
to you at night when you are home alone that tells me something is wrong.
Yes you and your new love interest text all day long, yet it drops off at
night or it is non existent.
The other red flag is the texting at night is not fluent there are long breaks in between texts. He or she only answers you in one or two word answers. The communication between the two of you
seems off, breaking Paul Grice's Conversational Maxims.
These Maxims are;
Quality, Quantity, Relevance and Manner.
These Maxims hold true in all forms of communication. When these Maxims are
broken, deception is not far behind.
Another red flag for me is he/she never wants to take you out or be seen
with you in public. He will come over to your house at night usually during
the week with a pizza in hand and a cheep bottle of wine, eat and have sex
and off he goes with the "I have to be up early for work tomorrow." OK, so
get up early from my house what difference does it make, early is early no
matter what bed he crawls out of. No, that does not happen, he needs his bed
and his pillow to get a good nights sleep. Every weekend he has some excuse
as to why he can't see you. Yet during the week he is all yours. I had a
client who was played for over a year with this personality type. She would
"rationalize" his behavior away. A serious mistake she would come to regret.
I read all his text messages for content, I could not believe what I was
reading, he was very intelligent, in his forties had a good job. When I was
reading his texts back to her about her questions of where they were going
in their relationship, he sounded like he was in junior high school. He
broke Paul Grice's Maxims of "quality and relevance." He never answered her
questions in a straight forward manner. He talked a lot but said nothing of
any value about where the relationship was headed.
He never introduced her to his family or friends, he never wanted her to
show up at his work place. This wonderful piece of work is now engaged to
the woman he was living with while he was cheating on his girlfriend with my
client who ended up broken hearted. I am sure he was doing the same thing
with many other women as well.
This non-committal, emotionally unavailable, cheating man was pairing up
with an overly attentive female willing to hang in there, no matter what,
this is a surprisingly common type of relationship. Why does a woman stay
true to such a man? It may be because she believes his very aloofness makes
him a more desirable catch. This is a very well crafted game that players
use very effectively. She believes if she hangs in there long enough, he
will eventually commit, and it will mean so much more because he was so
ambivalent about her in the beginning. She sees a chance for self-validation
because she is finely earning his attention. No, you are letting your ego
get in the way of your common sense. If a man or woman is into you they will
show it in words and actions. If they are only whispering sweet nothings
into your ear, that is exactly what you have, sweet nothings.
Dating can be a very exciting and rewarding experience. It can also turn
very violent and deadly if you do not have a good understanding of the
personality you are dealing with. If you have met someone new or on line,
and are meeting them for the first time, I give my female clients a basic
list of do's and don’ts:
1) For the first six dates or until you feel comfortable with the person,
always meet him or her in a public place.
2) Have your own transportation to and from the meeting location if
possible.
3) Let friends and family know where you are going, who you are meeting and
what time you expect to be home.
4) Have your cell phone with you, batteries charged and your cell phone on.
Have a friend call you during your first meeting to see how things are
going. If you feel uncomfortable always trust your gut instinct. Have a code
word that your contact will understand, and know you want to leave.
5) Never, never let someone you just met online, talk you into driving you
home alone.
6) Know your tolerance for alcohol. Do not over drink.
7) If you meet in a club or bar never leave your drink unattended.
8) Never give someone you just met online your personal contact information,
or home address.
9) A gentleman who has your best interest and safety at heart, will
understand these rules. If your date ridicules you or tries to make you feel
foolish because of them, loose him quickly.
10) Never send or wire money to anyone you have met online.
I will not tell you the horror stories I have been told by my female
clients, who did not adhere to these basic rules.
Remember our two strongest drives are sex and aggression. There are those
among us who have a deep uncontrollable need to express domination and
control over other human beings. This is accomplished in different ways but
with the same goal, control. They obtain extreme sexual and physical
gratification by means of physical violence.
What a person projects and what they are may be two entirely different
matters. A threat assessment profile will tell you what he or she is really
all about. What do you expect from him or her once the honeymoon phase of
the relationship is over?
Answering the question,
"What is the best I can hope for, what is the worst I can expect?"
As the famous FBI Profiler John Douglas has stated:
"On line, I can be anyone you want me to be."
Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions. I am here to help
you and answer any questions you may have.
