The Brain In Love & Loss
I know the information in this link called the The Brain In Love and Loss will help many people understand what drives them to act in self defeating ways. It is my hope that you can use this information for your benefit to change old patterns of behavior and replace them with new patterns of behavior that will be in your emotional best interest.
I have spent a great deal of time in research on addiction. This information is written in my humble opinion and my understanding of human behavior. I have worked with two psychologists and a psychiatrist over the last fifteen years trying to find a logical explanation for this behavior/addiction. We have two types of addiction. A chemical addiction and behavioral addiction. All addictions take place in the same regions of the brain called the limbic system. I was researching the cause of Love or Relationship Addiction and why people are drawn to the same types of personalities over and over again. What causes them to stay in abusive relationships with people who abuse them emotionally, sexually and physically.
The explanations I received were very good but they did not answer the nagging question as to what is driving these personalities to return to the same personality types who use and abuse them time and time again. The emotional brain runs from pain and toward pleasure. So why run towards pain I kept asking myself. The explanation on the early childhood traumas and the repetition complex and being addicted to the highs and lows of a very emotional unstable relationship were good but I knew there was more to it. I was taught early in my profiling training, "Tony we are profilers and investigators." It is not enough to explain to our client when we have detected, identified, analyzed and evaluated a trait but also what that trait means. What may have caused it and what we can do to help the client to understand it. It was the research and work of Dr. Helen Fisher that this behavior pattern and what is driving this behavior that made the most sense to me. Please understand I am not a psychologist nor am I trying to act like one. I am a profiler. I hope this link will help you understand this very complex behavior pattern called, Love/Relationship Addiction.
There are many reasons why people breakup; they are not well suited for each other, different wants, needs and desires the list is endless. Many times people breakup on good terms and will remain friends. Some breakups are very heartbreaking and volatile. There are many underlying factors when profiling a personality and how he/she will react during this difficult time.
How is the brain involved? This is what caused me the most confusion.
In everything I was taught over the years is, that the brain runs from pain and towards pleasure. This is true, we are hard wired to protect ourselves from danger and pain. The limbic system our (emotional brain) has a very simple protocol called the freeze, flight, fight response. The limbic system protects us from danger and unpleasant/painful situations. So why run toward a painful and sometimes dangerous person/situation.
This is where the brain comes in and the peptides within the brain that the personality can and does become addicted to, this is called, cellular addiction. The same areas of the brain that react to heroin or cocaine use have shown increased activity in FMRI scans conducted by Dr. Helen Fisher also show the same increased activity in the same area of the brain when a person falls in love.
In my early years of training I was taught "Tony there is no Logic to emotion." This statement was very true. This may explain why. In the Triune Brain Theory postulated in 1952 by Dr. Paul MacLean he states we have the reptilian stem, the limbic (emotional brain) and the neo cortex (our logical thinking brain.) We all have one brain. These three areas of the brain act in coordination with each other. This behavior is activated in the emotional limbic system. Not our logical thinking brain. When strong emotions come into play our logical brain is hijacked and controlled by the emotional part of our brain. Hence "there is no logic to emotion."
Within our limbic system there is a chemical manufacturing plant called the hypothalamus this part of our brain assembles small amino-acid chain sequences called peptides. Peptides are chemical formations which exactly match every emotion we experience, love, anger, sadness, etc. It is very important to understand that these peptides are highly addictive to our cells. The cells have no preference over nice chemicals such as love, joy, bliss or bad chemicals associated with fear, abuse, trauma or pain. The cells in our body are totally unconditional. The cells never judge a peptide as being good or bad, the cells simply get addicted and hooked on the peptides intensity.
It is the largest rush of peptides that get our cells attention. If the cells are not receiving their addiction of choice, a little of the peptide is held back by the cell and secreted back into the blood stream. It then travels to our brain neurons which then send messages to our frontal lobe calling up images from the past emotional memories, we start thinking the same thoughts in order to create more of the same peptide that were connected to that positive or negative emotion.
The personality repeats the same behavior again and again never realizing it is a natural cycle of cellular peptide addiction. This is why these emotions cannot be addressed logically. The personality is addicted to a behavior pattern and the peptides associated with that emotion. As a heroin or cocaine addict is addicted to their drug of choice and the high that it produces within the brain, so the relationship addict becomes addicted to the release of these addicting peptides and the behavior it produces. Logically we know the relationship might be bad for us, emotionally we do not reason that this relationship might be bad for us. The emotional brain does not reason and does not rationalize, it responds.
Neurotransmitters in the brain that are involved in love and loss are dopamine. Dopamine is the pleasure neurotransmitter released in the brain when we feel good about something, when we have accomplished a goal, it motivates us to repeat that action and do it again. Dopamine has many different functions as listed below. There is a lot of confusion about dopamine in both love and loss. It is the loss of a partner that has many people confused.
"Tony why would I feel good about losing a partner, that makes no sense to me, why is dopamine released when I am feeling bad."
Dopamine is the pleasure neurotransmitter, but it is also a double edged sword. Dopamine is all about the anticipation of a reward, not the reward itself.
So when you are thinking about a lost love or the possibility of acquiring a new love dopamine is released in the anticipation of getting that lost love back or getting that new love to pay attention to you. That great feeling you have thinking about the possibilities of your new love interest, the high you will feel being validated by this new person. That is dopamine. The cells in the brain do not differentiate between a good or bad neurotransmitter the cells get hooked on their intensity. Just like a drug addict knows logically that taking drugs is bad for them but continues because that drug makes them feel good.
Feeling in love causes your brain to flood with dopamine, a feel-good chemical that lights up your noodle's reward centers and makes you feel on top of the world. This same chemical is associated with drugs like cocaine. But when you lose the object of your affection, your brain's reward centers don't immediately power down. As explained by the research from Rutgers University. Instead, they keep craving those reward chemicals-just like a drug addict who wants more but can't have it.
Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD, is an anxiety disorder which, like many anxiety disorders, is marked by low levels of serotonin. Serotonin, a type of neurotransmitter, and has a variety of functions that make a deficiency a serious and anxiety producing issue.
Obsession is the thought, compulsion is the act. Research shows people who become obsessive and compulsive are very intolerant to serotonin. Serotonin is a mood stabilizer. Dopamine and norepinephrine rise in the brain when finding a new love or losing that love, serotonin levels drop. With serotonin levels are low, this fuels the thoughts, the obsession.
When you lose or breakup with your love interest you obsess about getting that lost love back, this is the case when he/she just walks away from you with no reason. You are dropped on your head and need to know and understand why. You will chase, call, cry or become angry. Many people will do everything in their power to return back to that good feeling you once had. Dopamine is released, the anticipation and the motivation of getting back that lost love again dopamine is released. The more you obsess and anticipate the possibility of a reward the more dopamine is released in your brain and your serotonin levels remain low.
The obsession you are experiencing at this time over your present or lost love interest does not mean you have OCD. This drop in serotonin at this period of time fuels the obsession and the thoughts you are experiencing. This is a temporary situation for many of us. Over a period of time your serotonin levels will normalize and your mood will return back to normal.
Serotonin is a highly useful neurotransmitter to have in your brain and body. It has all kinds of important jobs that, all together, help to make us the balanced and healthy people we are - or want to be. People suffering from anxiety disorders like OCD are often low in serotonin.
A profiler must understand the different personality types and to detect the behavior patterns associated with these different personality types such as; Their attachment styles, their emotional makeup, their intensity levels, are they secure and confident in themselves or are they insecure and act in very dysfunctional ways, and the behavior patterns these different personality types can exhibit when they are triggered. If they are insecure types their behavior patterns are very diverse and very complicated. I do agree with Dr. Fisher when she states "to take time before rushing into a relationship." It takes time to know someone, everyone looks and acts good during the seduction, chase, honeymoon phase. Many dysfunctional personality types live for the seduction, chase phase of a relationship and nothing else. Below are the three phases of love and the neurotransmitters involved in these three phases by: Dr. Helen Fisher
Three stages of love by:
Anthropology Professor Dr. Helen Fisher
Each stage in this cycle can actually be explained by your brain chemistry the neurotransmitters that get you revved up and the hormones that carry the feeling throughout your body.
According to anthropology professor Helen Fisher, there are three stages of falling in love. In each stage, a different set of brain chemicals run the show. These stages are lust, attraction, and love. I will discuss each below.
1. Lust
When you're in the stage of lust, you feel physically attracted and drawn to to the object of your affection. You want to seduce them or be seduced. There may be an element of mystery or an intensity that makes things exciting imagine a hot one night stand.
Lust is driven primarily by the hormones testosterone in men and estrogen in women. Lust occurs across species and may be part of the basic drive to find a partner to spread our genes with. But lust is different than love. Injecting men with testosterone makes them desire a potential lover more, but not necessarily fall in love in any lasting way.
2. Attraction
In the second stage, you begin to obsess about your lover and crave his/her presence. Your heart races and you don't feel like sleeping or eating. You may even get sweaty palms. You feel a surge of extra energy and excitement as you fantasize about the things you'll do together. These feelings are created by three chemicals: norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin.
Dopamine: Increased dopamine is associated with motivation, reward, and goal-directed behavior hence the drive to pursue your loved one or create them in fantasy if you can't be with them. Dopamine also creates a sense of novelty. Your loved one seems exciting, special and unique to you; you want to tell the world about his special qualities.
Norepinephrine: Norepinephrine is responsible for the extra surge of energy and racing heart that you feel, as well as the loss of, in some cases, both your appetite and your desire for sleep. It puts your body into a more alert state in which you are ready for action.
Serotonin: Scientists think serotonin probably decreases at this stage, but more studies need to be done. Low levels of serotonin are found in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and are thought to cause obsessive thinking. In one Italian study of 60 students, those who were recently in love and those with OCD both had less serotonin transporter protein in their blood than regular (not recently in love) students.
3. Attachment/Love
Attachment involves wanting to make a more lasting commitment to your loved one. This is the point at which you may move in together, get married, and/or have children. After about four years in a relationship, dopamine decreases and attraction goes down. If things are going well, it gets replaced by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, which create the desire to bond, affiliate with, and nurture your partner. You want to cuddle and be close and share your deepest secrets with him or her. You plan and dream together.
Oxytocin: Oxytocin is a hormone released during orgasm (as well as during childbirth and breast-feeding). This may be the reason why sex is thought to bring couples closer together and be the glue that binds the relationship. There is a dark side to oxytocin as well. It seems to play a role in needy, clinging behaviors and jealousy.
Vasopressin: Scientists learned about the role of vasopressin in attachment by studying the prairie vole, a small creature that forms monogamous bonds like humans do. When male prairie voles were given a drug that suppresses vasopressin, they began neglecting their partners and not fighting off other male voles who wanted to mate with her.
There is more to behavior patterns than the statement “he/she is just crazy." I will go over the three phases of love and the chemicals that are released in association with love/loss and how the brain responds to those chemicals.
Phase One:
When in love chemicals in the brain such as dopamine (one of the reasons drugs are called dope) and norepinephrine spark feelings of happiness and excitement within our brain and bodies.
Dopamine levels increase as does levels of oxytocin. Cortisol a stress hormone goes down. Also this during this stage of love or limerence as it is also called it is marked by low levels of serotonin a neurotransmitter important as a mood stabilizer. When this neurotransmitter drops it fuels the obsession.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter released by the brain that plays a number of roles in humans and other animals. Some of its notable functions are in:
Movement
Memory
Pleasurable reward
Behavior and cognition
Attention
Inhibition of prolactin production
Sleep
Mood
Learning
Motivation
Phase Two:
Kissing ,touching, hugging and increased sexual contact keeps dopamine and oxytocin flowing within the Brain. It has been noted people who are in love have low levels of serotonin. People who have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) are insensitive to serotonin. So love becomes an obsession.
Phase Three:
When someone is dumped or rejected this obsession intensifies, memories of the lost love overwhelms the rejected person's brain. The breakup becomes a puzzle that must be solved this process is called frustration attraction. Rejection keeps serotonin levels low which fuels the obsession and stimulates production of dopamine which intensifies the passion. The rejection is also very stressful which increases the production of norepinephrine a stress hormone, as far as the brain is concerned physical pain and the pain of rejection is the same thing. Activating the same areas of the brain. Love hurts as much as any physical wound. With most people after a period of time the person realizes that it will not get the love or love interest back it craves like a drug. Levels of dopamine and serotonin normalize. With other personalities this cycle continues for extended periods of time.
Love/relationship addiction is very complex but I have come to learn that the same factors that take place in the limbic brain when someone is addicted to drugs or any other addiction also takes place in the region of the brain's limbic system with a love /relationship addiction. Co-dependency and love addiction are similar in appearance and behavior, but are not the same. They are kissing cousins so to speak. Up until the early 1980's it was termed co-alcoholic it was then termed co-dependent now it is termed relationship addiction.
The cycle starts in early childhood with personalities who were not given the love, caring, nurturing and sense of security from primary caregivers. Personalities who have a low sense of self worth (low self-esteem) can end up with an anxious preoccupied attachment style and fall victim to a repetition complex where they attach themselves to personalities who closely resembles the behavior patterns of their childhood primary care givers. In their mind being loved and accepted by this new love interest who has similar behavior patterns to the child’s early primary care givers will fix all of the old wounds from the past, this concept is doomed to fail. We can learn from history but can not rewrite it. So this personality goes from relationship to relationship always seeking out the same personality type who's behavior was similar to the childhood care giver who abused or mistreated them in the past, many times without even realizing they are doing it. All in a failed attempt to right childhood wrongs. The personality attempts to acquire the love and affection that was denied them in childhood. The love/addict is somewhat different in their behavior than the co-dependent type in my experience working and talking to them over the years. The insecure love/addicted personality can become very volatile in their behavior patterns with any thought of possible rejection and abandonment from their love object (real or imagined). I had one female client who contacted me for a personality profile on her handwriting. This was one intense woman who had many very volatile and unstable traits in her personality profile. Every other week she fell in love with a new love interest. The last gentleman she fell in love with she only knew for two weeks. She wanted to move into his house and have a relationship. He was not ready so quickly and he said no. She lost it emotionally. The next morning he went to work she went back to his house when he left, she got in through a open back window. She ripped every pillow, curtain, bed spread in his house. She took all his cloths right down to his socks and shoes put them in the front yard and had a bonfire going and was toasting marshmallows when the police and fire department arrived. As I have stated many times before “there is no logic to emotion.”
References:
Dr. Helen Fisher
Obsessive Love: Dr. Susan Forward and Craig Buck
Attachment in adults by: Psychology Today
How the Brain works by: Graig Freudenrich, Ph.D
The Brain in Love and Lust by: Scientific American
DSM 4 TR – DSM 5
Narcissist Abuse by: Melinie Tonya Evens, Ph.D
Addicted to love by: Jennifer Gibson, Pharm.D
What Every Body is Saying by: Joe Navarro, M.A.
Triune Brain Theory: Dr. Paul Maclean