Euphoric Recall
Special interest Article
Anthony J. Iantosca, BCFE
IAFEI
Published by Anthony Iantosca, BCFE
For the International Academy of Forensic Examiners and Investigators.
Profiling
Understanding Human Behavior
Euphoric Recall
I can't stop thinking about my narcissistic/borderline boy friend, girl friend, friend or business associate. What is wrong with me? Why would I want to run back to a person who abused me. Am I a worthless co-dependent? No, you are not. Many different emotions, brain chemicals and above all else, euphoric recall all come into play.
First, you invested a great deal of time and emotional energy into trying to make this relationship work. No one wants to believe that they were that stupid, no one wants to admit they wasted that much time and energy on a relationship all for not. As soon as the abuser feels they are losing control over you in comes the bread crumbing and the carrot dangling. The promises of change and how much they love you. You start living on hope. This also motivates you try and try again. Your emotional make, traits up and intensity level also comes into play.
Second, trauma bonding. The abuser becomes the rescuer and intermittent reinforcement. The highs and lows of being with a dysfunctional personality. The neurotransmitters that flood your brain during this process. You also think back to the seduction phase. The deep devotion and the attention he/she gave you during the early stages of your relationship was a brain peptide high.
All the good times you had, the great sex, the dinners, the nonstop texts and phone calls all to make you feel you have just found the man/woman of your dreams. Once you were on their emotional hook their true personality emerged. The bickering, the gas lighting, the emotional abuse, the cheating, the lies and deception in just about that came out of their mouths. This change in their behavior was show you that you are not that important, he/she can live without you. This change in behavior is to protect their very fragile ego. They need you more than you need them, that reality makes them feel insecure and vulnerable it triggers their abandonment fears.
Remember the worse you feel about yourself the better they feel about themselves, all at your expense and mental and physical health. Being with these personalities is like being in love with a slot machine at a casino. The anticipation of wining the jack pot on the next pull. These same feelings are also associated with a dysfunctional personality, they will change in the future just for you. Again you become addicted to the anticipation of a reward.
The key to this obsession is Dopamine why? It "motivates" you to want things that are important to your happiness and survival. It is also released in the "anticipation" of a reward, more than the reward itself. Just like a slot machine. So when you think about a lost love and how you may get them back that is "anticipation" of a possible reward, that releases Dopamine. That keeps you locked in a loop of obsessive thoughts about the possibility of a reward, he/she may come back to me. You feel validated. This keeps serotonin levels low and the obsessive thoughts high.
Third, euphoric recall. You think about your lost love but you only remember the good times you had. You don't remember all the abuse you were subjected to. Only the good and wonderful times you once had. The brain runs from pain and towards pleasure. This euphoric and selective recall drives you to want to return back to your abuser. I tell my clients when you start to reminisce about your abuser and all the so called wonderful times you had. Write down on piece of paper the good behavior on the right side, the abuse on the left side of the paper. The left side will be much longer and all the abuse you were subjected to, doing this gives you a list of all the abuse this keeps you in reality and out of fantasy land or better yet out of the mental/emotional casino.
There is no logic to emotion, once the emotional brain is triggered it overrides logical thinking. You start gas lighting yourself and coming up with what "I" did wrong, maybe it was my fault, he/she is now off with someone else having all these wonderful times, so on and so on. You do and try everything to get your lost love back, what you do not realize there was no love to begin with. The only love these personality types had was for themselves at your emotional expense. Remember no one can validate you.
